What to do?

I was always a child with a plan, I always thought one step head and knew what i needed to do to get where i wanted to be. It was all that simple. And as a child the world is so small but at the same time so infinitely big. Our small minds can't comprehend the extend of the world and they still can't. However, at 20 I am now more aware of the outlets and well the scary thought of how easy it is to simply fail.

i haven't had the best value of life until now, and even now i only have a good value of life in one certain aspect. I am just out of university and I got a job not long ago. A really good job, one I was so so excited about and well now it seems to have all been a flop. You see, I got the job but with an agreement with my boss i haven't yet started it due to uni, and well now i can't seem to get hold of anyone.

But thats besides the point, i live with no idea what I want to do. Well, I sort of know what I want to do but I'm not good enough for any of that. I want to be a tv presenter, but i have no idea where to start in getting into that. I want to publish my book but I'm really not that good of a writer. I want to get back into modelling, but my mental health is so fragile still that i don't know if ill be able to hack it.

So what can I do? I knew i could do the job i was given but now I'm stuck again. My entire day, day in and out is waiting for my boyfriend to finish work so I can see him, so I can get out this hell hole of a house. I can't drive, I don't have a job and well i don't have the expendable income to just do whatever it is I like during the day.

Its really taking a toll on me now, i can feel it weighing me down. I need to know, what do i want to do with my life? I love the idea of being a senior school teacher but i can't decide if thats just because its easy to get into, there is security there.

My days are endless, they drag, they are infuriating and they offer no inspiration so its so so difficult to write anything. Im in all honestly scared for my future, I'm going to try harder to make myself look better, increase my strength, lose weight that kind of thing to get back into modelling but thats it.

My boyfriend is my life and even with a job and my life together he still would be everything to me. But I want my independence I want to start living, i can feel the world slipping away. Even things like him going out with his friends, i can't do that.

I jus want to know my calling, i want not a job but a career but i don't think that is ever going to happen for me. I wish i could turn back time, i wouldn't have gone to uni, i wouldn't have so many regrets and I certainly wouldn't have allowed my depression and my disorders and pain to lose so many incredible opportunities in my life.

so where do I go from here?

I'll keep you posted.

All my love,

Juliet