I'm awful

So I haven't spoke in over a year, and well, what can I say. I got happy. I got everything I could ever want in the world and now I've destroyed it again.

What do you do when you destroy your own world? But more than that, what do you do when you destroy the world of the only person you've ever loved and wanted? And for what reason, for nothing, for being in agony yourself and acting out, for being scared and not knowing what is true around you.

I would take all the pain in the world over again to take every bit of pain from you, I'll take the slaps and the beating, the bloodied head and all of the abuse that anybody has ever tried to give to me, because one I deserve it and two you don't ever deserve to feel pain.

I can't express to you guys how much I am struggling to live now, even more so than before, because before at least I had nothing to live for, just the bad thoughts and the sliced up wrists, whereas now I have tasted love and happiness and I've destroyed it.

You know the love of my life, the guy I spoke about on here a million times because he was all I could talk about. I can't eat, nothing has any flavour and I'm struggling to walk or do anything at all because it takes too much energy to move my legs, it's too much pain to do anything. But this is all deserved, this is all my fault. How do you describe something so incredibly beautiful and put its value into words.

How do I rectify what I've done? And if I have to say it. I cheated, I was sat down and told that he had done it to me, that I didn't mean anything and everybody had always seen it, instead of talking about it and not knowing what to say, I ignored it and did exactly the same thing. And now I'm dead inside, i'm dead because he doesn't look at me the same way, because he finally knows I'm just a disgusting piece of shit and always has been. I guess this is my karma.

I will never stop fighting for him, never in a million years, and I will live my life to cater to him, the worst part is is that I gave him everything I could, I tried to make him feel so so loved and none of it was ever enough, I was far too much for him, far too annoying and too gross and too needy and too lovey and too everything. I'd piss him off all the time in an effort to try to do the opposite and now look what I've done.

I don't really know how to live anymore, and i don't really want to. I want to go back and I want to rip out my heart and give it to him, and say here play this, play what it thinks about and play what it feels. I want to give him my brain so he can see the turning clocks just waiting for him, so he can see everything I think and feel when I look at him.

I want to give him everything, and I really did try and it never worked, I felt like I just kept pushing him further and further away, like he was bored of me and I couldn't do anything, so everything I was told made sense. So I stuck with it- then broke his heart.

I've spent years trying not to feel numb, and now all I want is to feel absolutely nothing at all if I can't have him.

I love him and I need him, and my god have I fucked up everything. But it's ok, because when he tells me he has had enough, I have my outlet, I have what I need.

Finally, this pain will end.