I can't blame him

So last night my boyfriend, the love of my life told me that he doesn't think i'm the one anymore, that he doesn't know if he wants to spend his life with me or somebody else. Essentially he is falling out of love with me and honest to god I cannot describe the heartache and the pure fear.

The pure realisation that my world is slipping out of my fingers. And all I want to do is cry and cut myself and die, because I can't feel like this anymore.

But how can I blame him, I cheated on him, I broke his heart over a lie, over pure fear of speaking to him about something that wasn't even true.

It's painful to breathe, its painful to walk and last night I spent most of it crying. Just lying there, silently crying, letting the tears fall down my cheeks but I deserve this, and that's the hardest thing i deserve every bit of pain I feel.

The irony is that I spent my entire relationship thinking he didn't really love me and that I was more invested, that I wasn't enough and so I spent it trying so hard to smother him with love (something he hates). And no i realised that he did love me, I'm losing that love.

The only thing I've wanted since I met him when I was 16. I guess my family did win. I guess they are getting what they wanted. Little do they know that the cost of that is their daughter, their sister.

Baby, I need you and I need you to believe what I'm saying, I need you to believe that I'm trying to change every single aspect of me. I need you to stand by me, and I need you to find it in your gorgeous fighting heart to love me and to stick with that.

I can't blame you if you don't but we've made it through hell and back. And this is our lowest point, and this is our fighting point, this is where we rise up. Together. Forever.

I'm dying and I either want to just die or hear you say you can find it in you to carry on.

If you can't, then this world belongs to everybody but me.