My deepest fear

So let me confess to you all my deepest deepest fear, a fear that i feel is subject to many many people. The fear of not being good enough.

Ive sat here for about an hour now looking at different girls and how beautiful they are, and how gorgeous their bodies are, and that behaviour goes against everything i believe. That women are not in competition, that there is beauty in everybody, and i stand by that.

But i just can't shake the feeling of not being good enough, of being fat and well not that pretty. And what comes with that, is the following fear that well if girls like this exist; what does my boyfriend see in me? And what can I do to ensure he doesn't leave me? All these questions keep me up at night, and leave me scared and in need of the reassurance.

I've been looking at lip fillers which is something i've wanted for a while, and then i was looking at different hairstyles in order to change my hair swell. I had to cut the majority of it off and have it really short because i had destroyed my body that much my hair started falling out in clumps due to malnutrition.

Ive never admitted to this but i cried afterwards, i'm happier now and its growing again and its thicker again and i like that i look completely different to the girl i once was, but it was hard.

I stare at everything that is wrong with me in the mirror, the back of my thighs, my stomach, even my bum which well my boyfriend seems to be fascinated with.

I just can't shake this recently, that I'm not good enough. That I'm not smart enough, or capable enough, or pretty enough, or quite frankly enough of everything.

I was watching the office US with my boyfriend last night, and well if you haven't seen it this particular scene was about a couple called Jim and Pam who are literally perfect for each other and a very real and raw representation of real life couples. Due to a work opportunity Jim turned down to please Pam, Pam felt she wasn't enough for Jim. She was crying and truly honestly believed she wasn't good enough and that she was holding Jim back. And as much as i was crying due to it being well just in general an emotional scene, it was also incredibly real.

I lay there next to my boyfriend with no makeup on, dishevelled hair, kind of hungover and well feeling kind of chubby. Im not fat, I'm a size 8 UK, fitting into size 6 clothes also but i'm also not the skinniest. And I couldn't help but tap into the personal realisation that well my boyfriend doesn't actually need me. With or without my presence my boyfriend will be fine.

Ive had a difficult week, my head has been a mess and my nightmares have come back and in truth I've hid it really well. It matched up with my period which also didn't help. So I've been a little more moody and snappy and well in need of love. I don't think my boyfriend has actually picked up on the last week and how bad and ill I've felt. How badly I've wanted to cut myself again.

I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, he is perfect, and he means everything to me. Id happily give my life for his and i know that i can love him better than anybody else in the world. But i can't shake this feeling. I need him, id be lost without him but what about him?

Jim puts together a dvd of him and Pam and proves to her how much he loves her and tells her she is more than enough for him. And please don't get me wrong, my boyfriend does everything for me none of this feeling has ever come from him. Since we've been together he has given me no reason to believe this, or fear this.

But thats my deepest fear. of not being good enough. And not for society, or my family (to which ill never please), not for anybody but him. That one day he will realise what i know and leave.

Its not just about looks, in fact its quite far from looks, I'm not at all the prettiest, I'm above average in height but I'm not special, and thats fine, sure id like to be gorgeous but ill accept that. But its about everything else, its about being enough for him to wake up to and enough to fall asleep to. Its about being a person that can offer something in a way nobody else can. Companionship. Love. Happiness. Offering simply a sense of completion to that person.

I don't seem to know who i am very well so its hard for me to feel secure in any of this.

But i try I really do.

All my love,

Juliet