I'm back to where I started

I feel numb, worse than ever.

I feel constantly numb but yet I feel constantly sick and constantly in pain, I feel like i just want to die and I can't.

But why does my pain matter when I've hurt somebody else, you see before at least my pain wasn't self inflicted, it was because somebody else had hurt me, it was because they beat me or scarred me or god knows what.

But now its my fault and I only have myself to blame, so I deserve to feel this way, so I can't share it with anybody because how i feel is the least important thing in the world.

I think the hardest part is I want to tell him how much I'm hurting and how much pain Im in but who am I to talk about my pain when he is broken too, when my role right now is to fix him and piece him back together. Its like I want to shout it to him but the most important thing is him and his healing, and I'll lose myself and stay silent to make sure I'm at least slightly helping him.

All I want to do is cut myself, get fucked out of my face and jump in front of a train and then finally I'll be ok, but I can't because i have to stay and fight because I know if I get my baby back everything will be ok again.

I know that if he stays with me I'll prove to him, but that's up to him not up to me.

I just want to die, I don't want to breathe or feel anymore. When I'm numb I'm desperate to feel because the emptiness is paralysing, but when I feel, all I can feel is the pain I've inflicted and the horror of what I've done.

I just need it to end.

I should have killed myself years ago when I had the chance.

I'm back to where I started, i can feel it, slowly creeping and then all consuming. I just want it to stop.