Destined for life

There are lives that are meant to be lived and there are lives that are meant to face every hardship of the world, because without those broken souls, how will we know love, happiness, life from hate, sadness and death.

I used to believe as you all may well know that the purpose of my soul was to speak for these souls, to speak for everything i believed in, to challenge every toxic message in this world ingrained into people. I believed my purpose was to do good, to be something and to pursue this protection i feel over the purity of nature and people.

But what if all this time i was wrong.

What if all this time my purpose was to be this broken soul to know then that at least one person in the world appreciated every gift given to us. Appreciated love not known, love not forgotten, family, friends, the simple pleasure that comes with walking in the rain or just sitting by the river.

And how long is enough time to stand back and appreciate? How long is enough time to say thank you, applaud and know its safe to walk away, to know that this darling earth was never taken from granted.

And how long can one survive with this amount of love to give but feel it only in shards of heartache?

I don't know what is enough anymore, i thought love would be enough and maybe it is i haven't decided yet, i thought writing would be enough but it is but a release not a cure, i though a new identity, a new house, a new everything would be enough but it never is.

The world catches up to you, the leaves fly quicker through the wind than we can ever run and the veins of the leaves look like the lens of his hands. And the wind feels like his breath cursing you, whispering down your ear, and the rain feels like every liquid that seeped from him and spilt on you.

And then, the worst of it is that the one thing that let you love it, the one thing that loved you, now looks, feels and tastes like them!

I've never once questioned why me? But i know my soul, i know it is kind, i know what i have to offer and my capabilities, i know off everything i can give to this world and i have so much faith in that, but i can't do any of it.

Why?

Because i don't want to live. I don't want to wake up in the morning and cry everyday because i hate my body, because i hate my life. i don't want to finish my degree because that means two years of living and coping and crying. i DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS ANYMORE! And I don't know where to turn, so i sit in silence, in the dark, hoping that somewhere, something or someone will take some weight off on my shoulders.

I talk of how suicidal I am a lot recently via Juliet, and to some of you it will sounds like just talk, but this is me attempting to procrastinate, attempting to make it through day by day, but each day gets harder and harder and i don't want to drag down the people i love anymore.

Know love, embrace it, for i will trade in my soul if you embrace yours, I will emit my strength, faith, love and hope into the wind and let it blow through you.

I am a soul destined for this life.

But you.... you're destined to live.

So please...... live.

All my love

JulietX