Plain and simple..... i want to die

I needed to talk, without actually talking,

expressing my fight to not kill myself.

Thats all I want to do. And its so hard not to. Sometimes the cold spurs my depression. Sometimes its nothing. But all I do know is that always, the depression beats the fragment of happiness I ever get.

I don't want to grow old. I don't want a house or a husband. I don't want any of this.

I want to die, and once i thought that was because i hated my body. But it has nothing to do with my body.

I just, genuinely, want to die. And i don't know how much longer i can procrastinate that.

I want to give you all hope and courage I really do, but maybe there isn't enough for me to give to you and keep for myself.

I'd much rather you all have hope and courage and love and life than I.

You are so much more deserving.

There is no meaning to anything and even on my good days do i want to die, even when I'm the happiest I've ever been, its not enough.

Please let me die, none of this is worth it and it hurts so much.

.......

JulietX