Finding home

i want to fall in love again, no matter how unrequited or painful, I want to fall in love again. But nobody should ever love, just for the sake of being in love, we should only ever love when somebody comes along and that is the only plausible thing to feel. When they are simply magic and your soul becomes ignited with every fragment of who they are.

So for now, I will write of love, and feel it when I meet somebody who i can't help but love.

A year ago I was suicidal and had my suicide planned out, i just needed to find the right time to do it. The time when nobody I cared about would ever find me, and now, though still struggling with eating disorders, body dysmorphia and severe depression I have a house with amazing friends, two jobs, 2nd year into my university degree with plans to do my Masters along with practising and finding life in my passion for writing.

Though I'm not committed to person, I am committed to the love and freedom of writing. The only companion I need right now.

That is the trick to survival I find, finding something or someone that allows you to escape into everything they are, no matter the embodiment. Writing can be home, so can art, so can singing, so can football, so can a partner. Home is not familiarity, though its comfort grows with familiarity. Home is but an escape for the soul.

So when I speak of love, when we think of love, when we think of the foundations of this mortal human life we must consider the possibility of something more than sight, something more than told, something that no matter the power and eloquence of language can never be completely explained or understood, it just simply is.

No matter how much you feel you are without anything good in this world, when you feel lonely, when you feel lost is this mass of wonder. Try to find home in it, for this mass of wonder that can propel you to the depths of darkness can also be the most magically misunderstood place. So can we ever really be lonely, I guess we can, when we are ignorant of discovered home. When we perceive love, home, life and everything we are told to do and feel to be within the narrow confinements of a black and white box.

So paint it, paint the box, see how that feels.

Sing, sing in the box, see how that feels.

Dance, laugh, write, kiss, meditate, do anything in this box and i guarantee the colours will seep through the casing and disintegrate it until you find your home.

And never ever, love with the intent to suppress boredom, love without choosing to. Slip and fall, either way, you will always have your home.

All my love

JulietX