A permanent state of nothingness

At first the depression was in fazes, just un-patterned days of dazes. But now it seems permanent, no matter what my body looks like, no matter what im doing or who i am with, the depression is still there. I understand why this disease kill people.

At first the self harm was once in a while, now I fight daily to stop myself from cutting, but now its more than that, now I tug at my hair, not that it ever comes out but i will tug and pull, hard aswell, as if I am possessed.

Its nearly my 19th birthday and I honestly never thought I'd live until I was 19, I wanted to kill myself at 18, and I still want to kill myself.....every single day.

But I have a book to write first.

I wonder lifelessly, I have lots of life and spirit, when I'm with nature, but I just don't belong in this world, I don't think I ever did, I know it with every step I take with every word spoken, I know I'm living not for myself but for everybody around me. But at least before my own company was satisfying enough, but now its not, now I'm emotionally drained, tired of being alone. That's what it is I am so alone I have evolved into a permanent state of nothingness.

That is why I love to write so much..... words offer me company.

I want to kill myself, but I also want to allow myself the opportunity to have a relationship and maybe be loved, I want to experience that in this life, I want to give myself that experience before I do succumb to ash.

I want to be married, I want all of these things but I don't allow myself the oppurtunity and the growing desire to die is becoming uncontrollable, to those that know me, know of my real identity this may be hard to read, but know that words, and my desire to write and your support has allowed me to reach my 19th birthday.

I may see my 20th, but we shall see.....

When people truly plan to commit suicide they don't talk about it they don't tell people, thye appear so happy and sane and the next minute, their last breathe escapes them, there is slight theatricality to death.

My spiritualist beliefs make it easier to die for I know I shall be reborn in a new body, live a new life, and that one I may even like, but for now I have become a permanent state of nothingness.

I am tired.

And I am tired of being alone.

How do I allow somebody to love me?......How do I let that become even a remote possibility?.....

All my love

JulietX