What is in the wind?

For the first time ever the wind scared me, the rain that pounded at my window scared me. And I've never been scared of the world before, none of its well intended offerings.

But I was scared, so scared I sat up all night unable to switch of the light. The wind is howling, and not in a metaphorical sense, a literal one, it is so aggressive and it is almost as if the wind was speaking to demons inside my head, they were conversing with one another providing both external and internal torture.

The wind gravitated towards my window as if challenging the interior and strength of its protection. The wind never patted, but hammered at my window attempting also with might to intrude my safety. Its an odd feeling being scared of the world, for if you know me you know just how much I love the world, and I have never blamed the world, the sky, the wind and rain for what has happened to me.

But I don't know why I was so scared, I am alone completely alone. Everybody that surrounds me in my student accommodation has abandoned to celebrate Easter with their families, so not only am I alone in my room, I am alone in a home with lots of rooms, lots of doors, and Iots of access.

Never have I witnessed and heard a wind so cruel, my window is closed completely and yet my blinds still shudder and I fear desperately for the integrity of my enclosing.

What do I want? I want to be able to call somebody, have them talk me to sleep, have somebody I can turn to with no questioning and know that even just the sound of their voice would dispel the screams of the wind. It's making me shake, making me paranoid and for the first time I am wishing for company and wishing to the skies to please be calm, be gentle as I sit alone.

It occurred to me this is one of the most wonderful things of being attached to another person. Security.

I want to sleep it is 5:11am and I've not slept properly for nights now and not at all now, so why is the moon refusing to allow me? Ironic how only just have the howling in my head started to silence and now I hear it from alternate uncontrollable forced.

I can hear the doors banging and no sign of humanity, I know I know, it is literally just the wind but with a mind like mine it is hard to not be so paranoid and so I stare at my door wondering what stands on the other side.

I am literally scaring myself more writing this but hey its offering slight distraction even though the soul focus of this post is exactly what I am trying to distract myself from!

I ask you never to be afraid of the world because it means no harm, but it can still inflict pain. A lot like me -I mean no harm but can hurt people emotionally- when they become attached I run, chances are if I converse with you then I believe you are unattached and do not care.

But don't do what I do, please at least have one person you can turn to when in need of security or just to hear the sound of their voice, and also I ask you to abuse your priveldge, if you want to call then call, if you are scared tell them, if you need a distraction ask them to distract you. It is those things that count, not grand gestures, money and presents it is security, safety knowing they are there even if they aren't really there.

All my love

JulietX

P.S The painting if from an artist called Claude Monet, he is incredible.