Worthless to you, worth everything to another.

Why does it hurt to be without love? And why does it hurt so much more, to love? A question asked by my friend, post boyfriend nightmare.

I responded; because you are bearing your soul to another, giving them the power to destroy you, to turn your entire world into a vision of scattered peices, and you are forced into trusting that they shall not act upon their volunteered power. That they will defy destruction.

To love somebody and to put all of your trust into somebody like that, is the scariest thing. So absurd but luckily for her, she possesses something so magic, she is the envy of the onlookers, whilst they seach for the love she lives within.

I can quite happily and honestly state that I am no longer in love with the boy who broke my heart, who never deserved my love in the first place. I care for him considerably, but to be in love with him renders itself non-existent. To type those words, untainted by lies, seems so foreign, for I swore I could never love anybody again, and I would love him until the day I died.

Let me tell you about him....

When I first fell for him, over 2 years ago little did I know he was speaking to me and another girl, he made me fall for him then one day, had a girlfriend.... I loved him for the entirety of the two years of his relationship, silently watching and aweing from the sidelines. A year into his relationship, the knowledge became apparent to him and as his relationship got tough it was in me he seeked longing. Come halloween last year, though he won't remember these words, I still hear them, on a phone call he told me I was worthless, that I wasn't worth the effort of being with so he chose the other girl. I was not worth it or anything at all, I wasn't worth loving, worth the effort and the words punctured me, ripping out all air, suddenly, I was drowning. Suffocating. I couldn't breathe, and panic washed over me, replacing all rationality.

For weeks and weeks, I cried myself to sleep, seeking comfort in the cold lonely sheets, until one day not even tears could numb the pain, until a world so bright with shading and colour, turned to a grey river and dead trees.

To love him hurt so bad, because I wanted so bad to act upon it but knew that I couldn't, knew that it wasn't wanted or appreciated, that everything I had to offer was worthless. To love hurt more than not loving. Because you only realise the bleakness of being without love, once you discover the art and beauty of being within love.

Though let me tell you, let me write to him.

I am so glad I was not worth it, that to you I was worthless, because my god what a miserable life I would have led if I was the chosen one. For now, looking with cleared vision, I see your cracks, the ones to big for me to step over. I see everything that was wrong with me and you and our possibilities. 5 months later, I no longer miss you, I no longer need you and god knows I no longer want you.

To the boy that broke my heart, and wasn't there to fix it. Who knew I had the strength to do it myself? And who knew there would be somebody out there that wouldn't think I was worthless, that would want me? Yes, I am yet to find the person who thinks that of me, but knowledge that I will, is enough to live, enough to smile and enoguh to dream.

All my love

JulietX