Living through the lives of somebody else

When asked what I would write about, I mentioned the subconcious abilities of other people, I have friends that make me want to live, that make me happy and make me want to be better. Your reply was that it 'sometimes turns out that you find yourself in other people'. He spoke about how you can meet somebody or a group of people and you find yourself in them and they give you the purpose to live. I always thought our purpose came from ourselves, our souls and the roles we must honour and that only we can save ourselves, but what if I was wrong.

This guy that said this continues to astound me, he is quite extraordinary and his modesty doesn't dull but highlights everything that he is. He says that we don't know why but we just open up to who we are, we become accepting of ourselves and we learn to love who we are whilst learning and loving those we cherish.

Maybe I was looking at it wrong, isolating myself from the world in order to find solace, protection and healing, maybe those rewards can only be found by jumping into the world, kissing stupid guys, learning to laugh and love, just a step at a time.

My friends are everything to me, they don't even realise but, they save me, every single day, I've not, not laughed, or smiled or hugged and loved everyday living with them. How can I throw a life away so blessed? And he is right, maybe I want to live now, because I live within the life of another.

Don't mistake me, the past will always be around the corner haunting me and waiting and going home is hell, I hate everything to do with that past life, but here, now, I'm actually dancing! No amount of therapy can cure depression, can delete the past, can heal my scars, so I am not going to waste my time trying! I will always be depressed, but I can control it, and I will always have my past, but that has helped to write my future. I am not bitter, in all honesty I would take that abuse over and over and over again with no fighting if it meant nobody else would ever be hurt. I would rather it be me than anybody else!

I don't know much, I guess I write to think I do, but what I do know is that I am not in hiding, my hometown still makes me ill but that is something that will never change, something that I can't go back to. But I am starting to write my own life, than have the hands of others tainting the paper with poisened ink.

I now only have one major hurdle I need to stop being afraid of but thats not something I can force, that isn't something within my power and whilst I continue to search for it, it will continue to hide.That is also something that manifests itself and lives within the life of somebody else.

But for now I'll be patient/ Because love isn't blatant/ It is wise but complacent/ For now it is vacant/ But my heart will hold/ Forever in it's placement

All my love

JulietX