Just words I wanted to say

My problem with therapy is that I simply do not believe in its effects, and I know I may have no right to say that seeing as I ahve never expereienced the failure or effectiveness of therapy. But everywhere I turn there is screaming pressure from people who want to think they know what is best for me.

Doing something I didn't want to do was what got me into this position in the first place. And the constant conversation and look in the eyes of the people that know is so sympathetic, it sickens me. I do not write or share for sympathy and I don't need anybodies sympathy, I write and share in order to communicate with others and build a community of people that know they aren't alone in what they are facing. I believe, to an extent I have acheived that in my minimal amount of posts.

Know that if I shut you out, you could die of frost bite. So do not push me to the point of wanting to shut you out! I've not seen the eyes of some people that know of my secrets, and some eyes I am yet to see after sharing information. And I ask when you think of Juliet and you read my story and if ever you see me, don't look at me with glazed sympathy, don't consider me hopeless and somebody that needs taking care of.

That is simply not who I am. This year will bring a lot of opportunity to my life, I get to buy a house this year, and I get to enhance success in my career. I get to meet new people and amongst this distraction and joy, I might even start to let go.

Only yesterday, did my sister find out I had been raped. To type those words so bluntly burns the tips of my fingers, and somehow the thought and burn spreads until my whole body becomes consumed, just like when it happened.

What do I want? I want to trust somebody with everything I have, I want to be able to enjoy somebodies company without fear. I want to smile like I've smiled before. I want to dance in a rainstorm, and find even more wonder in the world. I want to acheive something. And I honestly believe I can acheive this with no therapy.

What do I need? Not therapy, not a random stranger paid to listen to my problems, if I can't trust family or friends, how can I trust that stranger? I need somebody that will listen and laugh, somebody I can cry on. I've cried before, broke down in front of people, and I hate it, but nobody, I mean nobody, has seen the extremity of my emotions.

Tell me, how does it feel to have somebody to know you even in the darkest of days, when colour drains from yourself and the world, and still be there? I think of those I've let in, and then I think about how I can have them the way I want. Distance, age, somebody else or even lack of mutual attraction gaurding me from any chance. Then I think of those that I don't want, that want me.

A thought occured to me today, something that if turned out to be true would completely change my world. I can accept that, but I don't think anybody else can. I intend to discover this, and if I am right about myself then I will hurdle that aswell.

If I go into therapy, I will not pretend to be happy about it, I will not be forthcoming with information. And I'll be as stuborn as any so called patient, this time.... I'll do it my way!

All my love

JulietX