Love isn't a question of how, or a question at all.

Love isn't a question of how, or a question at all. Love isn't an answer and it won't provide you with any answers. It is divide of all logic, yet it's the most logical thing we possess.

I ask myself how did I fall in love with you? All the time, and my mind is but a blank, 'I just did' is the closest thing to an answer I'll ever recieve. I ask how so I can do it again, so I know what I did and what to repeat. But 'I just did' doesn't bring me any closer to what I need to discover.

Its an endless circle, I want to fall again, but I don't know how, then I think I don't want to, but I never wanted to before.... I just did.

I met a boy, sweet, funny, could be a bad influence, but the excitement of it intreguies me. Not my type, anything but. I find myself wanting to see him again, but it is so scary. My thoughts scream, they deafen me and my head, and mixed, confused emotions debate with each other, but can never seem to come to a conclusion.

Thats the underlined factor, I am so desperate to be loved but can't place myself in a position where love and adoration is possible. And if I did, the inabiltity to be loved would tear me apart. The knowledge of who I am, what I have become, and what I can never become. What I have to hide, and what limited fight I have left to protect myself with.

All I want is, and all I need is, to find somebody. Sounds like a cry for help, just a literal cry for love.

But before I do anything, change my self-destructive ways, let somebody close, I need to know how. How do you do it? How do you know? People think that sex is hard, but that is just the easy part.

Don't be mistaken, I am no longer lonely, in fact, I can laugh now, I can smile. But I want to smile with everything I have, tablets haunt me, laxatives, paracetamol, sleeping pills. Any tiny white miracle that would send me beyond the grave to the only man who ever loved me, the only man I knew wouldn't hurt me. The only man that only knew a 12 year old girl that died when her perpertrator took all reason for living, he never knew of this wondering shell, that looks a lot like her, just a little more grown up, he is all that little girl had, and he loved that little girl so much. If only she could find words beautiful enough, vibrant enough and perfect enough to express to him that he was her light, that he was reason she believed there was good people, people as good as she wanted to be.

She is not me, a girl that happy could not grow up to feel this way. But I guess that is what rape does to you, penetrates holes in your soul like bullets shooting, bleeding out any joy, any memory of a life before trauma.

I ask again, dear that little girls Grandad, how did you love? How did you fall? And how can I? Let me meet this boy again, let me see if I can discover. Love is but a dreamworld, where even the darkest, evilest things still exist, they are just overpowered. Love isn't heaven on earth, love, loves a challenge. And I am the most challenging contender yet.

Dear Grandad,

Thankyou.

Love, your grandaughter, who will shine lights and dance in your name.

All my love

JulietX