I am not ill! And I will not take medication!!

Tablets, anti-depressants. Medication for a mental illness. The scientific side of depression is that it is a chemical imbalance and if you suffer from it, your brain will look different to somebody who doesn't suffer from depression. But depression has a cause, it has as spark, it is the fire that spreads and obliterates its carrier, I refuse to beleive you can kill it with medication.

I will forever refuse anti-depressants, I am stubborn, incredibly so, and though it is considered I need to take medication for my diagnosis, I will never allow myself to hide behind tablets, because that to me, is hiding behind a fake reality.

I am depressed because I have been victim to unjustified acts. I am depressed because I cannot ever feel loved and I hate myself. I am not ill, I use the term mental illness because that is the category it falls under, but I am not ill, I never have been ill, and I don't beleive you can ever be emotionally or mentally ill. But you can be emotionally and mentally hurt, that is what I am, I am hurt. And that hurt is now internal, I love the world though its footprints have been unkind, but my hurt has now become internalised. I am both the victim and the perpatrator.

Medication will not stop me from feeling hurt, it will not stop me from having the past that I do and it sure as hell will not stop me from hating myself. And this way of thinking from those that don't fall under such a category of 'the mentally ill' need to understand that we are not ill.

We are hurt.

I have spurts of escape from my depression. I sing, I love to sing, I hate singing in front of people, but I love to sing. My family are very musically talented and very orientated around music and amongst that, I sing.

I swim, I love to swim, I love the feel of water, I love to be consumed by the water, to feel weightless and relaxed. I think it helps the depression.

I model, I love modelling, I love to have this out of body experience, this alternate reality. These are the times when I feel the closest to whatever happy is. Yes, modelling is hard when you have very strong body issues, but I prepare for it, I will do whatever it takes because I love it.

The thought of hiding behind tablets and running forever from my problems sickens me. As you know I was once addicted to medication, taking over 20 a day. And part of me when am around tablets will think about when I became drowned by them and crave them.

But god I cannot think of anything worse than a lifetime of anti-depressants. I would quite literally rather die than live taking them. Because its not real, yes, they balance the chemicals of the brain, but like I said before, it doesn't kill the fire and it doesn't undo the spark. Not all 'depressed' people have had some traumatic, abusive experience in their lives and they will most likely be thankful for these little white miracles because to them, that is simply how their brain is.

However, I am personally strongly against medication for the so called mentally ill. And I am so fed up of being called ill. I am not ill!!!

The waiting list is so long to get proffesional help and from my experience and expreience of friends, these proffesionals don't seem to care much. I could have killed myself from now until the time I finally get help and for many that has simply been the way.

So why?? Why give us a pot of medication and send us on our way?! A friend recently had a mental breakdown after opening up to a proffesional and then being ignored and discharged left hopeless and helpless. The doctor advised medication and ignored the problems she lives with and faces daily. Why is this the health system for those you categorise as mentally ill. Why is it so hard to get help?!?!

I don't have anybody in my life I can fully open up to and talk with about everything, I want somebody that chooses to be in my life and chooses to listen, that I can physically run to and hug or have them know exactly who I am and still put up with me and be there. Somebody I can be completely comfortable in thier presence and and just be thankful they are there.

I have been in awe of the humantiy presented to me via this blog and social media, particularly one girl. And I am so godamn thankful. But that remains the disadvantage of being anonymous, how ironic, the foundation and advantage of anominity remains also the disadvantage. You know Juliet, you know that half of me, but you don't know the other half.

We should demand more and are entitled to more empathy and responce and awareness to our mental diagnosis, if I could do anything, I would increase that and I would love to defy the stigma of our invisible community.

I know this has been long winded but is a subject I know needs to be discussed. I am so proud of all your bravery and all your humanity and love and care. I may never ahave met you, may never will, but you are so important to me.

All my love

JulietX