I am just so selfish... apparently!

Do you want to know the worst part of all of this? Its not how it effects me, I am simply breathing because I have to. Its the effect it has on loved ones.

I am incapable of being loved, wanted and or cared for so I can't understand when somebody gets upset over my pain. My Mom can't sleep and when she goes to bed she cries herself to sleep because of me. She worries whenever I leave the house asking me to take a rape alarm or something. She constantly questions if I am ok, how am I feeling, is it a good day or is it a bad day, what have you eaten. And frankly I hate these questions, frankly I do not want to discuss any of this with you. It makes me angry in a way that isn't justified, it makes me mad and makes me think that her life along with my sisters and everybody else I love would be better without me. I know for a fact my Mom would be happier, yes she would hurt at first but she would get over it, she could be happy again, she doesn't have to worry about me.

Apparently I am selfish because I don't care about other people, she says, but I do. In fact I care for a guy I have met only once. I care for people that no longer care for me, and if I loved you or continue to love you, then you know, I love with everything I have. I pride myself off of that, I may hate everything about myself but I know I love and care, I know I am not selfish.

I stood in the morrior a few days ago, it was a hard day, I'd been out all day, surrounded by people feeling increasingly consumed by the depression so when I got back to my room, I stood in the mirror, stared at my reflection and simply stood their crying.

God, thats saying something isn't it, crying at your own reflection, i should probably wear more makeup :p

But I looked at my eyes, they were empty, they were dead, inside them was a little 5 year old me dead on the floor and every part of my face was horrid, by cheeks, my nose, my lips, my hair. And when I looked back at myself, in the blurred mirror, all I could think was what did I do to deserve all of this? What did I do to deserve the harrassment for 2 years? What did I do to deserve to have been beaten and forced to consume alcohol and slept with against my own will or consent? What did I do that was so bad that meant I couldn't ever be loved? What did I do?.....

If I could, I'd have killed myself there and then.

I can't complain though, I guess I asked for this. I push people away but sometimes find myself wanting to have somebody there to hug and laugh with and to love.

But the pain I feel, I don't care, in fact it's not even pain, even when I self-harm its not painful, it's just deserving. Its habitual, it's life. But when you call me selfish because I make you cry, thats what bothers me and so I will push you away aswell.

I don't mean to make anybody cry, I don't mean to hurt anybody, I don't and I never thought I would, but it makes it so much harder to live and so much easier to die. You don't look at me the way you used to, I guess because the girl you gave birth to died 4 years ago.

I am not your daughter, I'm Juliet, your daughter is gone, she is dead.

All my love

Not your JulietX

I am so sorry for the late post, I was busy and to numb to consider writing. Also update guys! (much more lighthearted) me... dating, pfft! Not gonna happen, if you didn't read my rpevious post then don't even bother, my whimsical, nonsensical display of words was the most pointless post in the world, what was I thinking :p Though the P.S is still true