So inspiration did not serve me well today

First of all- I am so sorry for the very late post, I have been busy and working so I apologise, but I am back in my writing hermit shell for you all.

Sometimes when inspiration doesn't find you, you have to find it. So with that in mind, I decided to write and see where this takes us. This will be a horrific post but I owe you something to read, and I want to honour that.

Ok so lets see, what to talk about...... RELATIONSHIPS

You know that really scary, un-necersary, time consuming, thought consuming thing with an actual other person, that involves, touching and selfie taking and kissing and all that popcorn feeding nonsense.

Who said I was cynical?!?!?!

As you all know I am completely terrified, but it occured to me, I am sure Winter Wonderland is the reason dates exist, and I am sure somewhere in this scary, nonsensical abiss of lovers there is some good and happiness to be found in this. So I decided to challenge myself, I am gonna date.

GOD HELP THEM!! GOD HELP ME!!, SCREW THEM!

So a lot of good has come to my life at the moment, modelling is picking up again, my degree, I just bagged an internship with a permanent job- which means first all money (I mean, hello!) but also I get to actually work at what I have been studying for all these years- I will cry if I hate it now. DON'T JINX IT JULIET!!! I am also, to what I know a certain follower will be very happy to know, am getting proffesional help because of how low and dark it has all become (it is literally the only way for me to survive now), so I have that to dread, ermmm I mean look forward to of course.

I am so anti-thrapy its unreal, but that may change! I'll keep you guys posted- Literally!

But in all this, whats missing is somebody to share this with, somebody who I can have fun with. My plan is to save my money so I can get a flat share in London, close to uni and work and what woiuld be nice ( I think ) would be to have one of those things, what are they called. Ooh yes a b-b-b-boyfriend (my attempt at written communicative fear; its meant to be spooky, shivering, fear... anybody, no. Ok).

You see affection is addictive, when you become starved of affection and you allow yourself to accept some it can become addictive, a desire, a need and though I enjoy being starved of affection to experience it would be a sort of parrallell universe for me, thrust into a world of the unknown. The only affection I ever did receive, meant me being a dirty little secret, second choice so his love was never real- the situation was simply a fantasy an escape for both our lives, I happened to fall in love with him though.

If I was to challenge myself and at least try to spend time with a guy I am attracted to, this will be the biggest milestone ever for me. And I don't think anybody can understand how much this terrifies me. But usually I just dismiss these guys completely, even if I like them, no nope not a chance. I've learnt to pick up vibes off of guys now, you can pick up initial vibes off of people and it is a skill I have mastered in the male race, so I must allow myself to trust my own instincts- as a spiritualist, it is dishonourable to not do so.

Know that one day I do not want a lukewarm love, I want it to burn my lips and engulf my soul.

It's that that I aim for, and its that, with such a crucial and indomitable step that will get me there.

But we all know it isn't that easy, I can't just pick one out of a bunch and be like 'hai you date me'. I'll know when I feel a connection, feel a sense of this will be worth my time even if it comes to nothing, and that is what I will act upon.

So here goes! I am gonna TRY (I say try because then if it all goes to pot it isn't that big of a failure) and date! DUN DUN DUN!

All my love

JulietX

P.S There is this footballer guy I've met him only and he is just brilliant. If only I could see him more!

Also I just googled 'relationship goals' to get that image and what is with all this gross, lovey dovey stufff! What, this was the only thing i found acceptable and spoke to me personally :p