A night never forgotten, a night never remembered

Its hard to say what I remember, since I don't remember much, but overtime the event has peiced itself together, to a point where I now know what happened that day.

He was a friend, there was a group of us, we stopped over, girls and boys so it would be safe, not just me and a boy. They were good friends, I was teased a lot but in a way that friends do and it was fun.

However, whilst making a fire in the backyard his Dad came out and brought us all alcohol. Me being me didn't want any, it made me nervous loosing control of my body and senses especially with friends that though I thought were harmless could have allowed things to get out of hand. After an awful lot of peer pressure I had a bit to drink but not enough so I was drunk, in fact I wasn't even tipsy, and neither were they. After expressing how I didn't want anymore I remember being chased in the backyard by the main guy, lets call him..... Ricky (odd name I know, random thought). It was all a joke a silly chase in the backyard until he held me down on the grass and the others were laughing. A couple of them held me down and I was still laughing, nervous but I didn't expect anything to happen, and Ricky made me drink more, pouring this bottle down my throat. At the time, I wasn't so shocked and scared as I should have been, I got up and laughed it off, but that is when things got bad.

It was dark and we were all couped in his bedroom and again I was target for fun. I told my Mom when asked about the blood and cut at the back of my head that i had wacked it off a bedside cabinet but what really happened, was Ricky had rugby tackled me across the room and I smashed the back of my head into the side of the whiteboard sticking out from the wall, the metal edge had sliced my head and I was left on the bed, covered in my own blood.

I remember panicking, as you would, and I remember everybody else panicking a little bit thinking 'wow that wasn't meant to happen, what do we do'. What should have happened is that I would be taken to hospital to have my head stiched together. But instead I was left there, panicking and scared, still intoxicated and with a pain shooting through my head that I thought could cripple me. One of the guys let me lean against him as he sat behind me inspecting the cut. They laughed but nervous laughter. Ricky was to afriad to get into trouble that I was never attended to, just left, dripping.

I wanted to sleep, Apparently I kept falling back and falling to sleep but they wouldn't allow me, afriad of concusion. The noise and atmosphere was to much, I was scared and upset and all I wanted was to sleep.

What do I remember atfer this? I had woken up in another room, a double bed, in somebody elses top. No trousers, just a top. Ricky was stood by the doorway as I woken up. I remembered nothing at all, all I knew is that apparently I had hurt myself the night before so slept in this room so I could get better sleep. The reason for my absense of clothing is that I had wanted to change because of the blood on my top. I took a shower before returning home, so nobody would see the blood and cut, and watched the thick red water flow down the drain as I was still in excrutiating pain.

I had asked one of the guys in leaving about me staying in the other room and he said that Ricky had stayed with me for most of the night until he thought I was ok to be left alone. He said the shirt belonged to Ricky but he doesn't know exactly what happened in that room. I can only guess from his very forwad actions the next morning while he told me how to use the shower. The touching, the animalistic peircing gaze, like a lion unsatisifed with his first victim of prey, so hunting more.

Why did this all happen?

It was plotted by Ricky himself so he could sleep with me, but because I was resisting when I was intoxicated, he took matters further and into his own hands.

How do I now know this?

Overtime, from questions ive asked and what I was told and them telling me the truth of the night. Also a nightmare last night, I went jogging and sprinted back due to paranioa, thinking I was being followed and seeing things. I don't know why it spurred on a ngihtmare of that night but it did, and I dreamt it as if I was spectator of the whole thing.

I'll never know what happened to me in that room, its a memory luckily for his sake I will never aquire. So I cannot say, I was this or I was that. But what I do know is that, I have an indent on the back of my head that still often causes pain. I know he physically threw me into a wall and I know his intentions. I don't fear him anymore the way I did, but I know what a waste of space he is. I know his hands were touching me the morning after and he was shcoked and confused by me pushing him off of me. I do know I was abused and laughed at and I've never felt fear to the extent that I did then.

That is a night that I will share with him forever, and what amazes me is that he has probably never thought of that night again, he probably got what he wanted from me and merilly trotted on. Whereas, I am the one that thinks about it, that sees it when I see him. I'm the one that now deals with it. And people wonder why I don't like to drink, why the loss of control terrifyes me.

Well, that is why.

Ricky is why.

My scar and memories are why.

All my love

JulietX