The company of demons

I fear growing old, I fear living while I am alive, I fear interaction and attachment, I fear people touching me, I fear a lot of social gatherings. I fear people, I fear life, I fear love, I fear alone. I fear everything that life has to offer but yet I wonder through my day to day life not feeling scared. I know it makes no sense to me either..... I supress these fears for the sake of everybody else and my own lack of sanity.

I wonder by the riverbank late at night, in the darkness and frosted air, I don't feel scared, though I am told I should be scared. I travelled alone from England to America, I wasn't scared, though I was told I should be. I put myself in danger and have no sense of fear or danger or fright. Yet, when I am consumed by the rituals of life; socialising, feeling, living, bonding etc now that.... terrifies me! Simply because it isn't the darkness that has ever been my enemy, darkness is my friend, it is my time in the daylight that has destroyed me, it is all of these things that I fear that have destroyed me.

Is it twisted to get a thrill from a lack of safety, to be standing right on the edge of a cliff, looking down but never quite falling. To be in a car heading 100mph into a truck, but never quite hitting it. Is it twisted, or is it just adrenaline. Adrenaline has positive connotations, my social fears and depression do not.

When I wrote the beginning of this post, I wasn't in a good place, what I am writing now, I am, I feel ok. But I was speaking earlier to a girl who suffers from depression and self harms herself and what we said was it doesn't feel like you doing it.

Sometimes I find myself reaching for the blade without knowing I am, literally, sometimes I don't even realise I have hurt myself until after and I wonder why there is blood. Everything shuts down and these demons take over. These man made monsters taking over my body, and god it feels good in the most horrifying way! For a moment I am not myself, Juliet is merilly skipping along, I am non existent and I become a different person. I love being somebody else, but not the demons, that I hate but I like the escape, the souless, painless breathing. Maybe its why I love the camera why I want to go into presenting or TV or something because you play a part, you aren't yourself.

But then my eating disorders are completely different, that is me, that is a concious effort to starve and slowly die. That is the ability of choice, self harm is not an ability of choice. My eating disorders allow me to have a sense of control, I gain back the rights to my body.

Every seven years every cell in your body dies and new ones are created, so I only have 3 years to go until I am living in a body that you haven't touched. But yet, its not only the body that is abused it is the soul, its the disregard and abuse of the soul, the mental and spiritual wounds. Those are where my fears lie, danger and sex is the only thing I know.

I don't know relationships, I don't know love, I don't know so much good in the world but I am observent of it, so I look forward to the days ahead when I can learn of such beauty and reward.

As you know I am anti-therapy but I shall be murdered by a mother and a mothers friend if I go any longer without therapy. Saturday I cut again, but it was the only way to stop me from killing myself. The urge to overdose was becoming, it was the demons testing the limits, so I may now have an extra scar but be thankful I still have a pulse. Never have I considered suicide as strongly as I did, it was scary, thrilling and peaceful.

All my love

JulietX