Eurgh, is she talking about love again?!

I am numb, everything hurts but yet nothing hurts at all. Is that possible? Not only do I have a mind and soul to repair but now also a heart. But I am not hear to moan about a love that I was inevitably going to loose. I am not going to feel sorry for myself and winge about how much I wish to forever live off of Ben and Jerrys peanut butter cup ice cream.

The world is cruel and people can leave so cruelly, people can give up and contradict their own words and then we are left alone. Don't get me wrong, I was partly at fault and I was naive and stupid and I got caught up and I am not bitter and I don't hate. But now I am free, freedom is an internal experieance as well as external, you can be physically free and be emotionally isolated all at once. As I am left with time to hurt and heal I have also been rewarded with a sense of freedom. I know have control of my own feelings and have the freedom to experience new things, new people and new possibilities instead of being bound to you.

But now sitting at home, I feel empty, there is nothing tying me to home. I have two friends now at home and that is it. But yet, where I live, my new home, I feel unsafe and unsure, so I question where I belong?

What I have discovered the last few days is that, I find joy in being emotionally attached, though it hurts, I find joy in actually being emotionally attached to people, it gives me a reason to keep going, quite contradictory considering I push everybody away. And I think most people that push people away actually feel the same way, their actions are either a subconcious or concious effort to cover and supress emotions they don't wish to feel. I think this is why I don't take people on face value.

Point being, I love being in love, I love the agony and unpredicatability of it all. I love the complete attachment to another person whether it be reciprocated or not. So I know I'll love again, maybe not the same, but I get to fall again... and I'll get to fall in love again every single day of my life when I finally meet the one, I guess this is just a turn in my path.

But I am not sorry, I was angry and yes it is painful but I am not sorry. I am so thankful and now I am free, and now I get to start a new chapter and now I get to fix myself, boy thats a lot of work!

If you are happy then I am happy for you, it makes it worth it. Thats what love is isn't it, putting another persons happiness and life before yours or at least on the same level.

Please love, love everything. Start by loving the world and then you'll be thankful you get to live in it. I love the world but I want to share that with somebody, and now I can.

So heres to whatever delusional idiot will be stuck with me in years to come! Cheers!

All my love

JulietX