A wondering mind, a wondering soul, one that found you

I orignally had a narrative, this wasn't what I was going to write. What I had planned and documented would have disturbed the peace in my life, something by recent events I can feel slipping away. I was asking questions, questions that spin around in my head, like an orchestra playing the same peice over and over. I was contemplating still asking a few of these questions and hopefully discovering the what I assume to be very painful answers. But I realised, these questions can only be answered by time, by the course of not only my life but yours, and the course in which your heart takes.

I am slowly starting to feel more and more unattached from the world, and I don't know whether it is because I miss you or I am isolating myself and becoming increasingly lonely. But I don't feel lonely, I like being alone, and I treasure the time I can be alone to work and focus on my soul searching and growing creative mind. I think internally, this unattached feeling is partially to do with the world, something I have never been happily attached to but it is because in whatever drama and heartache that your life is subject to right now, it is being projected on to me. The coldness and distance I feel throughout our challenged communication right now is creating a negative imbalance. I am not lonely and I am not lost, but this residual feeling is due to my concern that I am loosing you.

My life offers me many distractions from you, working, reading, socialising, soul searching, but yet whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you. Now, this post has no real meaning, when I deleted my post of questions, my objective was to mention you but talk about the selfishness of my illness. But un-necersarily I have focused it around you.

I told you I missed you the other day and you said; 'I have been nowhere for you to miss me' and though missing somebody can be a physical thing, as in you are phyiscally lacking their presence, and distance has become the hurdle. But missing somebody is a deeply spiritual, emotional thing. I could miss you and you could be standing right next to me. I could miss who you once were, or I could miss your laugh and smile. And frankly, I miss you both physically but also spiritualy and emotionaly and though you may not make sense of that. I am afraid, you are just going to have to deal with it.

I am starting to understand the toxicity and darkness that accompanies love. Because it is for me, the deepest and most impactable emotion it has the ability to cascade your life into a coverall of darkness as it has the ability to recover you from this darkness. This quote elliquently and perfectly says what I want it to, and the most incredible elloquency is that which gets it done.

"Everyone wants to fall in love. But I think more people are in love with the theory of love. If you're looking in from the outside, it looks so beautiful. On the inside, it's scary because it can take over your life. It's the strongest emotion but also the darkest. It can put you on a high for days, but it can wrap an anchor around your feet and drown you in less than a minute"

(Calia Read, Breaking the wrong)

When I think about it, for me to be heart wrechingly in love is incredibly dangerous for me, yet it is my only saviour.

A song in which I have been playing on repeat speaks my situation in a way in which I could never tell it; Demi Lovato- Stone Cold (big fan!). But the lyrics, every syllable of them have become what I understand now to be the epitome and depths of my mind. The questions and thoughts I supress daily and the emotions I feel so scarily, twistingly evident daily. They act like a corset, they are restricting and cut short my breath, they can often be painful and overwhelmingly tight, they modify you. But yet, they can be so beautiful, and empowering and if I were a woman in the Victorian era, would be the visible personification of femininity and beauty. From the outside is not always what we know, see and feel from the inside.

Please I ask you, listen to this song and listen to the lyrics, read them, allow them to intoxicate you.

I don't know what my summary of this post is, and I could type for hours, but lets face it my writing is mediocre at best and I am lucky if you made it this far.

All my love

JulietX