I'll notice the beauty of the stars, hiding behind the clouds

My wrist is painted blood red, the blade that carved the skin is blood red. It drips and dries as if my arm were a literal canvas, splatted by the hands of human innocence and happiness, creating unique art. My blade is my brush, my skin is my canvas and my blood is my paint.

Art, in its most twisted form. Not art, but mess. A mess that though it can be washed away, will always leave that stain.

My anominity means more to me than my life itself. It means I can explore and document the depths of my mind and write in a way that I can relate to other people. It means that for a moment, I can be somebody else, and if you threaten my anominity, you threaten two lives.

It has occured to me that no matter what you do in your life, there will always be somebody there to knock you down and tear you apart. They will laugh and find joy in what can only be described as a twisted, broken soul. And isn't that comment on them, maybe they are the ones with a twisted, broken soul. Because I may be broken right now, but I can be fixed, I can be stitched back together and I will be. But when your soul is toxic, and nasty and you are a horrible person, then that isn't something that can be fixed. And how unfortunate it is for you that your soul is an uncurable asshole. (Excuse my language)

I only wanted to help people, and that will forever remain my motive. I am a good person, and that is one thing I know to be true, I am not innocent and I am faulted, but I am good. And I am so proud to be good. Therefore, in retrospect, you laugh at my broken soul, you mock the words I print onscreen, you mock my anominity, but yet, you are the one with a toxic, incurable soul. Not me.

I've wasted my life and my tears on people that don't deserve it, and I am so sick and tired of it, and the time I won't get back angers me, but I will be much more than you will ever expect me to be. And I won't mock you, I won't laugh and I won't belittle myself to your standing. But I will pity you, and frankly I do pity you. I pity your lack of heart, your lack of love and humanity.

Luckily, I don't have the displeasure of having you all within my life. I am surrounded by souls full of laughter and joy and goodness. Even when their goodness isn't perceived or apparent to other people, I get to glow within its technicolour lights.

Every negative can be turned into a positive, and though it may take me days, hours, minutes to finally unlock the positivity, I know I'll reach it. And I know then that those wasted tears and time, sulking and hiding, won't be wasted, because I will have noticed the beauty of the stars, hiding behind the clouds. Worth it... don't you think?

It was suggested to me, that I delete this page and start again, but it would never be the same, this is who I am and everything about this website is who I am, or at least who I aspire to be.

So, go ahead and mock me, laugh at my seemingly infinate pain. But when I beat the odds, you'll have to find somebody else to mock and they will pity you to, because you'll spend your life staring at the clouds.

Today has been a major setback for me, I relasped and started to fall again, but again, I have crawled back out and up. My epiphany, which I am yet to upload, helps me make sense of every situation. And I am in a permanent state of fear right now, fear of uncovery, and I wan't to crawl into my favourite place in the whole wide world, and nuzzle, sleep until its over. But here I am alone, fighting again, typing again and standing up for not only me, but every single person out there that suffers from depression, eating disorders, body dysmorphia and self-harm.

And I am not about to back down now and coward out now, I'll just have to stand a little taller and prove that we, as a collective of damaged souls, are beyond capable, we are brilliant, we have a future, we just need to look for the stars hiding behind the clouds.

We are the outcasts.

The damaged and lost.

And though we still breathe,

It has come at a cost.

We may break and burn

but the flames will subside

I ask to hold our heads high,

we'll stand side by side.

So sit back and turn, but we won't leave.

Forever is ours, its ours for the taking.

We pray for the day,

when we are no longer breaking.

All my love

JulietX