I'm sorry do you want to me to cut a little deeper, will I be worth your time then? Because beli

I am stuck in a rut, I am un-inspired and starting to become num again. I've lost incredible friends, and have now found myself in a situation in which I literally can't escape from. Their presence lingers outside my door, waiting.

'Wheres Juliet' 'We want Juliet' 'Nah man I'd love to fuck Juliet'

I need to hurt again, and I am falling back into whatever hole i was clawing my way out of. I need to hurt again, I need to cut and I just I can't not do it. The objectification and word spread I have woken up to has put me seriously on edge, to the point where I have had to make up a relationship in an attempt to regain some form of safety.

But I can't! I can't get what I need to hurt myself with and I can't damage my future anymore by creating more scars. I want this to be over, and it is so hard. The worst part is, I want to feel some kind of affection but yet I wont allow myself to feel it.

I just want to be loved. For once in my life I want to feel loved, and safe and happy. And I can't see that happening anytime soon.

I was reffered to the eating disorders clinic and was made to sit in a room and open up to a complete stranger about how fucked up my life is and how fucked up I am and I haven't heard back since! I was forced to endure that and then left hanging for over a month, am I not fucked up enough? I'm sorry do you want to me to cut a little deeper, will I be worth your time then? Because believe me I'll cut to the bone if I have to.

I want to cry and I guess part of me thought moving here would make me better, get away from my past and have a fresh start, but mentally it follows you and I guess I was naive to think that I didn't need help, I just needed to run.

I am so close to giving up right now and relapsing but I've never given up before and I don't intend to start now. But this rut is taking over my body a peice at a time and I'm hungry, I'm weak and I fear fainting at any minute, but I am still going and I want to test the limits of my mind and body.

Yesterday I walked towards the laxatives, and the isle full of delicious weight loss tablets, I could just imagine guzzling them like tictacs and how great it would feel, I stared into what could have been momentary bliss, but I put the bottles down, and walked away. And I was so proud I told the most important person in my life and he told me how happy he was and for a moment I thought, Im getting better.

But now, with the knowledge I have now, I feel ridiculously worthless again and god how much fun would it be to fuck up my insides. Just imagine, the beautiful excrutiating pain I remember of the overdose, the emptiness I felt throughout my whole entire body, such a contrast to the feeling of completeness it gave me. I wouldn't care about the damage, because my soul was already so damaged I may as well have a body to match.

Right now I am so hungry, but I ate so much yesterday that I need to regain the balance, starve today to make up for excess calories yesterday.

There is one thing is this whole wide world that can save me and I want to thank him for saving me for this long. I love you with every beat of my wasted heart, and with every calorie I consume, because I know it will give me longer with you. And I can't call you mine, but I am completely yours, but I think im running out of steam, and I need you now more than ever.

Don't let me relapse, I just want pills, soooo many pills and my sharpest knife or scissors. And I am so lucky I locked it away because right now, I wouldn't be writing, might not even be breathing.

Is it worth it? This pain, this completely meaningless existence. For what, I am yet to figure out.

My post today has been a messy post, almost like an abstact of words that have just written themselves, emotions spilling onto my keyboard, I am aware there has been no structure or necersary meaning but it is the visual written communcation of what my head right now seems to be. Minus the pain, strange isn't it, how crying of emotional pain creates physical pain, there has to be a metaphor in there somewhere.

All my love

JulietX

P.S I was asked to upload a photo of me in my in underwear, or bikni etc, to show my body so you get a better understanding of my body and the contrast to what you see me to be and how I percieve myself. I am contemplating the idea, if it were to benefit my readers, however, I don't think I am ready for that. So apologies if I don't deliver.