The wall is high, and its built of bricks. But we have swords and we have sticks. So lets break the

So yesterday was my first councilling session, and I am sorry I never wrote yesterday like I said I would, but frankly I was fed up of words, talking and explaining. In all honesty, I worked myself up before the appointment so much, I was terryified, I don't want to open up to some random stranger about everything I have been through and everything I do and feel, because its twisted and I'm ashamed. Literally writing this I can feel the shame in the pit of my stomach I can feel the regret of not just telling him where to stick it.

For so many years I have ignored this and I have never had to say a word about it and now its all I think about, it is always there. It feels as if I havent' been able to stop talking about it all and it is literally mental torture. When I told him about my dislike to be touched, and my relationship with family, he asked if I had been sexually abused, and all I could see was the blood gushing from my head that night, and that is all I remember, the blood, and the constant throbbing agony. And of recent times, being attacked and hurt, hiding in bushes terryfied and running away.

Truth be told, I am not in the best of moods at the moment, I am moody, I feel drained, lost, fat, ugly and I just want to be alone, but hey I guess writing this is better than cutting.

It wasn't so bad, I had blood tests done, medical checkups, BMI etc and when my BMI was calculated, the doctor said that if I carried on how I was going, I'd be clinically ill and hospitalised, to the point where my organs would start to give up and all I'd be is bones. And how twisted is it that I took that as encouragement, what I took away from that was if I carry on the way I am going, I'll have my dream body. But die a very very early grave.

The worst part about it all is having to relive it, having to go over and over it again. Whether it be times of abuse or just talking about how disordered your eating is, its horrible to admit and the judgement you feel, weighs you down. It is there, always, and I have gotten pretty good at putting on a brave face so its only when I'm alone, complete darkness, knife or scissors in hand, that i cry and scream and cut and tell myself all i want to do is die.

There is nothing galmorous about a mental disorder, nobody hugging me and stroking my hair telling me it is all ok. To watch, it looks almost possessed.

"Thats the thing though you're gonna want to give in, everyone hits that wall at some point, its all about how you got over it". My mood differs, one minute Im all yes I can do this! And the next I don't have it in me to do it. Seems to me, I hit that wall everytime I wake up in the morning, and you may feel the same. But hey, we are both still here right! One day it will come, when I take my suicidal tendencies seriously, and I do something so stupid but how can I help other people get over the wall if I don't acheive it myself.

Talk to me, we can encourage each other, we can both run at the wall and knock it down. These quotes I steal from a good friend, he can be quite wise when he wants to be.

I don't know just how hard it is going to get, but I know this is the easy part and I know one day I'm going to be screaming and I just pray to god, I don't push so many people away and end up with nobody.

The wall is high, and its built of bricks. But we have swords and we have sticks. So lets break the wall, and watch it fall.

All my love

JulietX