"It's not going to be easy to get better, but everyday you don't repeat the same cycle

"It's not going to be easy to get better but everyday you don't repeat the same cycle is a day in the right direction" For the sake of this post, lets call him Lewis. These words when sent to me, hit me like a ton of bricks. When you think abut getting better, you think about then and now, and just how drastic the change is. It makes treatment offputting and even more intimidating than it was.

I can't imagine a life without blades to my arm, and pills, and purging and all the gorey things and thoughts that come with the disorders and haunt me daily. But his words were a blessing, it occured to me that there is a then and a now but there is also everything in between. A day by day basis, and tiny little fragmet of change, that can make that day, a rewarding one. I don't know how long it is going to take for me to get better, and uncover and deal with all my problems but I don't have to know, I just have to take it as it comes. Day by day, and that thought, well it is a lot less daunting than then and now.

I don't do family, I don't do the obligations that come with family, and I don't have any emotional attachment to my family, other than my little sister and my mother, and that is a comment considerng how large my family is. But friends, the ones that are stuck with me, understand just how affectionate I can be to those that I choose, to those that I love. I'm writing this post-night out with them all, dancing like a maniac and a tad provocatively, and loving every aspect that comes with being in their company.

I leave on the 19th to move to London to start university and with every aspect of change come the very daunting then and now, the unknown is as bleak as it is a mirage of colour. But day by day, we can embrace each shade and tone and can apply them to the what would have been completely bleak.

Life is art, and we colour our own canvas, and often the most beautiful works of art are the most equisite.

To Lewis, thankyou, thankyou for understanding and helping and putting life into a perspective that I can handle. I'm not weak or fragile or at least I refuse to believe so but even the strongest of people get scared and intimidated. There is so much external pressue within the world and society that will push me out if they had knowledge of who I was and so much prejudice and judgement, but I don't care about that, I'm not doing this for anybody else, but myself and Juiet, and I can't wait to one day be blogging from the other side.

My canvas is beginning to dot with colour, and the colour is reflecting the light.

All my love

JulietX