Loosing your virginity to coersive rape, and how the boy of your dreams, laughs at it, laughs at you

Love is a crazy thing, its everything and nothing all at once, its hurt and its healing. Its extruciating pain and its the best feeling in the world. But what do you do when the person you love with every fragment of your being does all of these things to you? I once read that what you love isn't always what is good for you, and I'm not talking about cookies or donuts, Im talking about that toxic person but you are so blinded and head over heels, you come running back every single time.

Truth is this person isnt at all toxic, he has a very misunderstood heart and he wont admit to caring or loving, he's the kind of person who will love through actions not words and then deny it when you call him out on it. But isn't that the best kind, loving through actions, not words? This person makes me so happy, he has literally turned my tears into laughter and can make me forget i'm sad or broken, just by smiling at me.

But on the other end of the scale, he has made me cry for hours on end. His humour is dry and can be quite insulting if you don't understand him, but his boundaries are way past mine. My trauma started when I was 12 onwards, being harrased online by somebody my age for sex, and it continued until I was 14. I gave him permission to have sex with me, because I had been so worn down and scared and fed up and tired and confused, after just over 2 years of saying NO! NO! NO!.

I needed him to leave me alone, sex was what he wanted, sex was the only way. I know this now to be coersive rape, because though, this time there was no physical beating or anything involved, I was still pressured and forced into sex. And I to this day, 6 years on, remember the room, the smell, the place, the feeling, everything. And to him this is a running joke when he wants to upset me, he almost takes joy out of my pain. He's not a monster, he is incredible but I take a lot of shit from him that I wouldnt other peple because im scared to loose him. The slut shaming and jokes about this boy makes it even harder for me to forget and I can't move on, its driving me away from him and this place because it lives on, and yet he doesnt want me to leave, he says.

I think, maybe, this is a really cowardly way of approaching this situation, indirect and anonymously but asking him to stop encourages him even more. He takes joy out my pain, the boy I'm in love with enjoys making me mad and sad. I'm talking about this now, because last night he did it and slut shamed a lot.

But isn't that part of love, being driven crazy and feeling everything so passionately it makes you mad. It makes you want to hug them and kiss them but then shout at them and storm off all at once. I love him so much I can feel it, heavy in my chest, but I dont know if I can carry on taking this much rubbish from him. I blame myself, for everything that has happened to me, so I sure as hell do not need it recrifyed by somebody else. Somebody I value so much in my life.

To you, my readers and friends.

Learn to love, and acknowlege love, just because you feel like you can't be loved doesn't mean you can't love yourself. That is something nobody can take away from you. But please, please, understand and notice when that love is a little toxic. When it could drag you down.

My love isn't toxic, he isn't toxic and it is all jokes to him, but still, when I ask you to let me forget certain things, please don't make a joke of my trauma. The last thing I want to remember is that, and it is there. Every day.

6 years on and he still has a hold on me, thats when my trauma started, my disorders, please let it rest. Let me rest.

All my love

JulietX