A mothers touch

'Do you blame her for not protecting you?'

'No not at all, she never knew, I never allowed her to know. I guess... I'm just.... ashamed'

I flinch when you come near me, you stand to close I have to move away. You put your hand on my knee and I stare at the hand until its removed. You tell me you love me, but my god, all I hear is 'LIE', you think I don't love you, that I don't want to love, because I can't say it back.

I love you mother, with all my heart, but my actions are not personal, they are my walls, my cage, my barrier from human interaction.

I don't understand why, I have to hurt those closest to me. At home, I lock myself away, wrap up in a blanket and read my book for hours and hours, and its peaceful, its bliss. When I'm around people, depending who they are, I'm horrible, nasty and they don't deserve to be treated that way. But how can you explain you dont mean to act this way? or that it isnt personal and they shouldn't take it personal.

I locked myself away for a day, I never came downstairs, you never heard me nor saw me but yet when you saw me on the night you moaned about how moody and nasty I was being. Even when I wasnt around.

My mother would never admit it but I know, deep down, that if I wasnt here life would be so much easier for her. She wouldnt have the stress or the worry, or have to resent her own child for being so unintentionally cruel.

I have a big heart, and I want to love. I love the world and I am kind and generous but yet I can be so cruel. Even if my mother was to walk past the telly, I'd sigh and moan and have to go away because of how annoyed I had gotten by it.

The worst part is, you moaning to me about how horrible and moody and nasty Ive been makes me feel even worse about mysef, it takes the one good thing I know of myself to be true, away. So I cut more, I cry more, I sit in silence staring at ceilings more, I isolate myself more. Because that way, I get to feel the pain, nobody else, the pain I deserve and nobody has to contend with me.

Writing this, I am crying, I'm fed up of hurting her and all my friends, I see their faces when they look at my arm.

If I killed myself, would things be better for them?

If yes, I don't know how many more times, I'll be posting.

I want Juliet to live, I want one of us to recover, but its both of us or neither of us.

All my love

JulietX