The Diagnosis

Morning everybody, so I had my first meeting yesterday. It was differant to what I thought, more like a doctors appointment so he could properly diagnose me.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, body dysmorphia and depression due to personal perception, sexual abuse and self harm.

It is safe to say I was terrifyed, more than I ever have been before. I couldn't breathe and I wanted to break down and cry. But the event itself was nothing more than a doctors appointment, so now I have to wait for the physcotherapy which is the chosen choice of treatment, basically talk therapy, changing the mindset, understand what happened and how to cope. But I leave, to move to London in just over a month so hopefully, I can get treatment in London.

Waking up with this dagnosis this morning feels strange, before I was just confused, unknown, now it is diagnosed, now I am another in the statistics.

It is said that in the UK 750,OOO, estimated people live with an eating disorder. So why do I feel so alone? Now it is 750,001. There are many factors as to why eating disorders can be caused, presense and subconcious effect of the media, abuse, bullying causing you to question your self-worth. Anything and everything, this is why kindness, to me, is a power.

I have lost control in certain situations, been held against my will and beaten to which I couldn't have a coherent thought or even fight against what was happening. But I can control what goes into my mouth, I can control what I look like and what I strive to look like. However, sometimes cravings mean we loose control, emotions and chemical balances mean people can loose control and eat lots and lots in one go.

I have taken to laxatives, purging all sorts.

I am scared, for the future, the unknown. But I am optomistic. I don't want to live like this, though in my head I deserve to and have no self-worth. I don't want to, for me that is motivation enough to hold back the tears when i don't want to go to my meetings and get up and go regardless.

One day, hopefully, it won't be like this, and the same goes to you. One day it won't be like this and god knows I'll be behind you every step of the way.

All my love

JulietX